Trauma Dumping: most of us have experienced it, even if we didn’t know what it was at the time.
So, what the heck is trauma dumping?
Trauma dumping is a term used to describe the act of sharing deeply personal and distressing experiences with someone without the listener’s consent. The problem is that it transfers pain and suffering to someone who isn’t ready or emotionally available to hold it.
Think of trauma dumping as emotional dumping to an unprepared listener.
Though it can feel good in the moment, trauma dumping is ineffective. And actually, it can be overwhelming for the listener. Not to mention potentially harmful for both parties.
Understanding what trauma dumping is, why it happens, and how to manage it can help maintain healthier relationships and personal boundaries.
In this article, we’ll explore the signs of trauma dumping, how to differentiate it from healthy sharing, and provide practical tips for both those who find themselves trauma dumping and those on the receiving end.
What is Trauma Dumping? A Detailed Explanation
When someone is stressed and overwhelmed, it can seem natural to talk to someone about it. It can be helpful to bounce ideas off of others, seek advice, or just get things off one's chest.
The intent of someone who trauma dumps is to get validation, empathy, or a much-needed sense of connection. All very positive things.
The problem is that dumping one’s trauma on a listener doesn’t work long-term. And it can even damage valuable relationships if repeated often.
Trauma dumping is unloading personal stress and experiences on a listener who is either unprepared or untrained to listen.
Dumping in this way taxes the nervous system of the listener. It causes them stress. And it places a burden on them when they may already have their own challenges.
While sharing is essential in any healthy relationship, trauma dumping is not.
What are some signs of trauma dumping?
The signs of trauma dumping include:
- Sharing excessively without checking if the listener is ready or willing to listen
- Repeatedly discussing the same distressing events in detail
- Expecting the listener to provide emotional support constantly
Someone who is going through trauma may be so inwardly focused that they fail to notice the listener’s distress. Or their own stress may be so great that they can’t help but continue sharing with a visibly overloaded listener.
One challenge that can arise is that expressing one’s trauma doesn’t mean healing or processing it. It takes specialized skills and help to overcome one’s trauma and live a happy, healthy, whole life again.
Those who trauma dump need someone trained to listen and offer compassion. Our Denver therapists specialize in trauma healing. If you or a loved one are dealing with trauma, contact us for a free phone consultation.
What’s the difference between trauma dumping and talking about your life?
The phrase “trauma dumping” can sound fairly negative. But isn’t talking about things normal? And if I’m talking about the less-than-ideal parts of my life, does that mean I’m trauma dumping?
Not necessarily. Here are some useful tips to consider:
- Trauma dumping is often unsolicited and overwhelms the listener
- Healthy sharing involves mutual consent and consideration of the listener’s capacity
- For sharing to be constructive, prolonged listening may be necessary (i.e. a therapist)
You can start to get the sense that a licensed therapist is what’s needed to help someone dealing with trauma.
On Holding Space for Trauma
Trauma dumping often occurs as a way to seek affirmation, validation, empathy, or connection. If you're good at holding space for others, you might find people coming to you to share their distressing experiences.
When I first met my friend Charlotte (not her real name), we went downtown to a taco shop. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, Charlotte started to tell me about some trauma she experienced as a teenager.
I believe she started sharing with me because I’m very calm and open. After all, I’m a trained meditator and keep up a daily practice. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t taken off guard by her trauma story.
As we’ll discuss below, you can use simple phrases to get off of a challenging topic. I told my friend “hey, can we come back to this later?” She was like, “OH, yeah, my bad.” Then I asked her how her tacos came out.
You can use a simple phrase like that when someone starts to trauma dump on you. Or if you know you’re prone to oversharing, you can arm your listener with the same phrase to make sure you’re within the bounds of their emotional availability.
Please know that if you regularly meet people who share their trauma with you, that could mean you come across as a safe presence for them. That’s a good thing!
However, just because you're a safe presence doesn’t mean you have to let others trauma dump on you. Always check in with yourself to see what’s appropriate.
Below, we’ll talk about how to protect your energy from those who need to overshare their trauma.
How to Deal with Trauma Dumping from Others
Dealing with trauma dumping can be challenging, especially if you care deeply about the person sharing their experiences.
It's essential to maintain your mental health and set clear boundaries to ensure that the interactions remain healthy and supportive for both parties. That means you, too.
Here are some expanded tips on how to manage trauma dumping from others:
- Decide How Much You’re Willing to Hear
Everyone has their emotional limits. And these limits change and vary depending on the time, the state of one’s mental health, and life situations (to name a few factors). Before you see that friend you know is going to talk about their trauma in a way you can’t manage, ask what you’re willing to bear.
Assess your emotional capacity. Prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy. And above all, be honest with yourself if you’re not in a state to listen to someone’s trauma. There are always other options available to them, such as a therapist. So protect your energy.
- Set Boundaries in Advance
Setting clear and respectful boundaries is key to maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who trauma dumps. Communicate your boundaries clearly and ensure they are understood.
Communicate your boundaries clearly. For example, you could say "I want to support you, but I find it difficult to discuss [specific topic]." Then consistently reinforce this boundary using “I” statements. I.e. “I’m not in a great emotional state to listen to this at the moment, but I can update you when I become more available.” - Help Them Find a Therapist
Encouraging the person to seek professional help can be a constructive way to support them without overextending yourself. See if you can provide resources like information about trauma therapists in your area, like ours at Neuro Colorado.
At the same time, you can help to destigmatize therapy. Share your personal experiences and let them know you view therapy as a sign of strength, not weakness. Lastly, follow up! Show them you care enough to be a consistent positive presence in their life.
- Help with Daily Life Tasks
If the person is struggling with daily life due to their trauma, offering practical support can be a meaningful way to help without becoming their emotional sounding board.
Instead of being their listening ear, why not help them with errands or cooking a meal? It takes a load off of them while not exposing you to compassion fatigue or triggering stories. You can also help them become self-sufficient through habits and accountability. The gym is a great place to start.
The point is to take care of yourself first, then your friend or loved one. Only take on what you reasonably and willingly can. Otherwise, you may end up feeling burdened too.
How Do You Politely Tell Someone to Stop Trauma Dumping?
When someone begins trauma dumping, it’s important to handle the situation with sensitivity and respect. Here are some phrases you can use to interrupt and redirect the conversation:
- "I’m feeling uncomfortable talking about this right now. Let’s talk about something else.": This direct approach conveys your discomfort and shifts the conversation to a different topic.
- "I’m not ready to discuss this topic yet. Let’s talk about something else for now.": This phrase acknowledges the importance of the topic but indicates that you’re not in the right headspace to handle it at that time.
- "Can we come back to this later?": This phrase gently postpones the discussion, giving you both time to regroup. It signals that you’re not ready to engage deeply at that moment. It’s exactly the same phrase I used with Charlotte from above, proving that it’s useful in real life, too.
If these seem too abrupt, consider softening it. Adding a validating statement before shifting the conversation makes it feel more kind and less of an abrupt change.
- “Wow that sounds super intense, who else are you talking about this with?” is one good option.
- “I am so sorry that happened to you, what steps have you taken to get safe/heal/feel better/get over this/etc.?” is another great option.
Sometimes you don’t have to stop the topic, but you can point them towards what they can do to fix it. Of course, stay connected with yourself and realize if a certain topic is too much for you in the moment.
Having useful phrases that make sense to you written down can help. These can be on a piece of paper or in the notes app of your phone. With some polite phrases at the ready, you can redirect your conversations away from trauma and onto something more positive.
How to Apologize for Trauma Dumping (in Four Steps)
If you realize that you have been trauma dumping on friends or loved ones, it’s important to address it thoughtfully and sincerely.
Everyone needs a listening ear from time to time, so don't feel bad if you've done this to a friend. What matters is how you move forward and ensure that your relationships remain healthy and supportive.
- Acknowledge that you may have overshared recently. And that it may have had a stressful or overwhelming impact on your friend. You can say something like, "I realize that I may have been sharing too much about my personal issues lately, and it might have been overwhelming for you."
- Ask if this has been the case. Use a variation of the following: "I want to check in with you about how my sharing has impacted you. Have I been sharing too much, or is there anything I can do differently?"
- Let your friend or loved one know that you are committed to changing your approach. This can help rebuild trust and show that you are taking responsibility for your actions. You can say something akin to, "I’m sorry if my sharing has been too much for you. I’m going to work on finding other ways to process my experiences and make sure I’m not overwhelming you."
- Seek help from a trauma therapist. Trauma doesn’t just go away - it needs to be healed in a safe, guided environment. When communicating this to another, let them know that you’re seeking healthier outlets for your energies.
Your friend or loved one will appreciate the effort you’re putting in to getting better and not oversharing with them. It could even open a dialogue about how much you appreciate being there for each other and strengthen your relationship.
Need Support for Trauma? Hire a Therapist.
It is 100% OKAY (and even expected) to trauma dump on a therapist. It’s their job!
At Neuro Colorado, our five therapists are trained to help with trauma. We can help you vent, process your emotions, and heal from trauma. If you or a loved one are dealing with trauma and need extra support, reach out to us today.
We offer free phone consultations so Coloradans can get a sense of what it’s like to work with us before their first session. Contact us today.
